I have been dreading the arrival of my 50th birthday for the last 5 years. Once past the 45 it was only ever going to be downhill in my mind. I don’t know why, but when someone asks your age, 40 something still has a sexy ring to it, FIFTY however does not, 50 is old! I am officially old.
It’s not easy being a divorced single mum at 50 (I guess that makes me an ex desperate housewife) and it’s certainly not made any easier by living in the middle of the Gayest part of Europe. Yes I’m surrounded by hot men, but none are interested in women. So for my 50th birthday I decided on a spa day just for me. However, my gay best friend Adam and straight best friend Amy refused to let me spend the day alone, so off we went for our spa day as a threesome.
The giggles in the car on the way down there were just what the Doctor ordered. Adam had us howling at his sexual fantasies and turn ons and Amy shared a few of her latest dirty stories that she submits to an online magazine. The laughter in the car all the way down there was a tonic in itself. Fifty minutes later (ironic isn’t it? )we arrived at destination like a giggling bunch of teens.
First on the agenda was a 50 (yikes) minute massage, Adam opted for the 25 minute massage upon realisation that there were no male masseurs. We all disappeared into our separate doors and peace descended for a while. Fifty (I can’t avoid this number) minutes later looking somewhat sleepy and relaxed, we strolled over to the main spa building to hit the pool area. A huge area full of jacuzzis, steam rooms, saunas, you name it, they had it.
I was beginning to start to feel ok about 50, nothing seemed to have changed too much other than my number. I knew I still looked ok, I’ve dedicated many hours of maintenance to my temple, although I had dedicated almost as many on late nights, too much booze and too much tobacco. The tobacco was now top of my quit list. Otherwise the dreaded bar code above the top lip was imminent and I did not want one of those thank you very much.
My girlfriends always tell me how they wished they were as tall as me or as slim as me, funny how we always want what someone else has got isn’t it? Amy was tiny beside Adam and I, but her personality more than made up for it. Adam was young, tall, dark and handsome and still struggling to find a man in gay man’s land. Maybe there was hope for me yet!
We sauntered through into the main pool area, there didn’t seem to be too many people around. A few Russians and a handful of couples seemed to be the only folk out and about which meant more space for us. The three of us all headed to the bath jacuzzis. You lay on a bed under the water and it pounded water into every aching muscle you had to offer. If you lay just in the right place you also got a cheap thrill!!
We all lay enjoying the feel of the water pounding against flesh when the lifeguard strolled past. We all watched him, all three of us, he was gorgeous albeit very Jesus-ish. The long blondish hair to his shoulders, the lithe, tall, slim build, those lashes that never ended and the soft beard that maybe made him look older than he was. I don’t know if it was just me but I was sure he’d given me a full on eye to eye stare. As soon as he was out of earshot Adam & Amy both turned on me.
“That guy has the hots for you Nat” Amy piped up, confirming my initial thoughts.
Adam turned around with the biggest grin on his face. “He’s got the hots for you da da da da da da” he began to sing and Amy joined in.
This fifty thing was feeling better by the minute. I was feeling like an object of desire for the first time in a long time. We all headed past the lifeguard and into the steam room. Amy waffled on for so long about Jesus that her lungs were burning from the steam, so she and Adam went back to the pool. I decided to hack it a little bit longer and do some yoga stretches while my muscles were warm. The huge glass window meant I could see out into the pool area even though it was a little steamed up. Jesus (we’ll call him that for now) walked past the window, turned around and leant against the glass door, looking straight at me. I was already hot and flustered but now I felt very observed. Too shy to carry on doing my yoga moves I decided to go back to the guys in the pool. I could see them both just lying there watching Jesus watching me.
Their faces were a picture as I walked back over to where they lay once again on the jacuzzi beds. “Oh my god, did you see him checking you out Nat?” Adam gushed. Just as we fell into deep conversations about my potential new admirer, he casually walks past with a towel under his arm towards the shower, turns back and indicates to me with his head to follow. Adam and Amy are in their elements. “Go on Nat, this could be your fiftieth birthday present girlfriend, go for it”. I had both of them trying to push me out of the water and towards the showers.
“Guys, please, I am not following a strange man into the showers”.
They both looked at me in disbelief.
“Just because I want to find a man doesn’t mean I’m off into the showers with the first one that crosses my path”.
What I didn’t tell them was that I was feeling over the moon with all this attention, maybe life did begin at 50 after all. Five minutes later and Jesus came back out of the showers, not looking like he’d taken a shower at all. He stared me straight in the eyes and winked! He must’ve not been a day older than 35 and he was gorgeous, my day had been made showers or no showers.
Jesus continued to follow me around regardless of who was watching and I was positively glowing and not only from the steam room. We decided to leave and get some lunch as Amy was ready to eat her own foot she was that hungry. Jesus followed us all the way through to the changing rooms, my heart was beating so loud I was sure everyone could hear it.
We left for the restaurant in a flurry of laughs, smiles and wet hair. I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. I had just turned 50 and the sexy young and very hot lifeguard was all over me. Why had I been worrying for so long about how terrible fifty was? We all shared a bottle of wine over lunch and had the best time ever. When we returned to the spa area Jesus had gone and another even younger boy had replaced him. Amy disappeared into the spa area and came back with a huge smile on her face.
“What have you done?” I asked, knowing that mischievous look.
“I left your number with the lifeguard to give to Jesus who just so happens to be called Christian”, she said laughing at her own joke.
We giggled all the way back home. Dropping Amy off at home, Adam and I went into town for another glass of the bubbly stuff. It was my 50th after all. The waiter took my order and winked at me. What is happening, has 50 awakened my inner sex goddess? Was I never going to meet another man until I was 50? Was this my fate? It was really like the bus joke, none forever then 3 show up at once.
We cheersed and chinked glasses as my phone started to ping in my bag. Probably the family saying Happy Birthday. I was wrong, it was a whatsapp from a number instead of a name.
“Hi Natascha, this is Alex, your friend gave me your number to give to Christian. I just wanted to say if he doesn’t call you I’d love to take you for a drink”.
Wow, now I actually had the 20 something lifeguard texting me trying to book a slot incase Jesus didn’t call me. Adam was already texting back on my behalf.
Now I have no intentions of seeing either of these young men, but for now I won’t disappoint my friends. You are probably wondering what is the moral of this story. I’m sorry it’s been such a long winded way of telling you, but here it comes.
I have wasted 5 years of my life by worrying about how shit my life would be if I was still single at fifty. I am indeed still single and I am now 50 and 9 days. I had my hair streaked blonde the week before my birthday in a desperate bid to change me before fifty. I have to say I’m happy with my blonde locks and maybe its true that blondes have more fun, it would certainly seem the case right? I was so wrapped up in the thought of fifty being over the hill and old that I forgot to enjoy myself on the way there. What being fifty has taught me so far is that I’m still fabulous. Nothing changed other than my number. Hot young men still fancy me and in the last nine days I’ve had at least 5 advances from hot men. So, I can now officially say that Fifty IS Fabulous.
Anyone heading towards the big 50, relax, it’s not the end of the world and for me it just got a lot better. So don’t do what I did and waste my forties worrying about my fifties. Enjoy every day, you are only as young as you feel, or the man you feel 🙂
My girlfriends are all telling me how fabulous I look. Being the centre of attention makes me feel sexy, feeling sexy apparently brings all the boys to my yard. What you feel on the inside reflects on the outside. It took me fifty years to learn this. Make sure you don’t make the same mistake.
By Amanda Carrington – Desperate Housewife