Today is looking like a good day. Getting the kids off to school was surprisingly easy going this morning. No arguing, bickering or name calling, maybe they were both coming down with something.
No manual could have ever prepared us for 7-year-old twins. Come to think of it, nor 6-year-old, 5-year-old, 4-year-old twins or just twins in general. Double trouble, double nappies, double crying, double vomiting, double everything!! Also, double the love during those random moments they are cute and like each other.
Time to get tot dressed and get ready for a day downtown with my Mum and Nan. Mum is off to a wedding in Spain and wants me to help her find something to wear. Nan is along for the ride so it’s going to be a 4 generations day out.
I pack up tot’s bag; nappies, bottles, creams, clothes and enough to cost £50 in excess baggage had I been travelling abroad on Easyjet! I know that because that’s the amount they wanted for the baby bag of the twins when we flew to Tenerife 6 years ago. A little detail that I will remember forever due to the fact that I almost got escorted from the airport by security after calling the check in person a thieving **£@!!*$!
Mum and Nan are waiting for us in BHS where we always start with a coffee and a catch-up. I can give tot some food before we start hitting the shops and he can have his dose of cuddles and snuggles from his doting Grandmothers. At almost 4 months old he was a little cutie and much better behaved than his siblings.
Coffees and cuddles over we head towards Planet, Mum’s favourite store. The street had been transformed into a pedestrian area and the road was now a wide pavement for shoppers. This made things much easier with a pushchair. Every shop you could ever need was either side of a mile long stretch of walkway with ramps for prams. Perfect!
We arrive at Planet. Mum is in her element with floral printed dresses galore hanging off her arm. Nan is telling the poor shop assistants about her hip problems. Honestly, she tells anyone who comes within earshot. Tot is snoozing peacefully in his reclining pushchair as I keep him moving back and forth to make sure he stays asleep for as long as possible.
Out of the blue, I get a terrible pain in my lower gut and feel a heat start to rise from my toes slowly all the way up to my face. Oh My God! I think I need the toilet!
My face feels flushed and I’m sweating, something I have never really done before, not even during an aerobics class can I muster up a sweat. Something is wrong and I’m starting to feel a little panicked.
“Mum, I need to find a loo really quick, my tummy is not feeling good,” I gush, as I head towards the shop assistant.
“Excuse me, where can I find the bathroom?” I ask wiping the sweat from my brow with the back of my hand.
“I’m sorry, we don’t have a public bathroom but there is a portaloo outside Top Shop just two shops down,” she smiled back at me.
“Oh my God, a portaloo,” I think to myself.
Grabbing Mum’s arm and dragging Nan away from the conversation about her false teeth, I’m on the verge of a panic attack.
“If I don’t get to a bathroom within the next 30 seconds I think I may explode right here,” I hiss through clenched teeth.
I’m now clenching everything so tight I can hardly walk. We make it downstairs and out onto the street in record time. I have the portaloo in my sights, so I leave the pram with Mum and Nan and make a beeline as fast as I can to what could be my only saviour.
I can’t open it, the damn thing won’t budge, how the hell do these things work? My panic is growing by the second and people are starting to stare at me.
Mum and Nan arrive and Nan explains that you have to put in 10p to open the door. The scramble of hands in purses is unanimous as we all search for a precious 10p coin.
“Got one!” Nan says proudly holding up a shiny coin. I grab it and feed it into the slot on the door like a woman possessed.
“Whoooooossssshhhhh,” the door flings open and I jump in like Dr. Who into his Tardis.
It took me far too long to figure out how to close the door and I am now on the verge of passing out. Finally, the door closed and I manage to whip down my jeans just in time…
I don’t do public toilets, I’d have nightmares if my flesh ever touched a public toilet seat. When I do have an emergency I usually take the time to disinfect all surfaces but there was no time here.
I don’t know what it was that I’d eaten, or what germ I’d picked up, but my body was in meltdown. Hovering over the loo was causing my legs to start shaking.
A) due to the fact that I felt so ill.
B) Holding my body weight in a 10-minute squat was killing my muscles.
I reached out to hold myself up with the door handle before I collapsed in a heap on the floor.
That was the biggest mistake of my life!
As soon as I leant against the handle to support my weight the door flung open with such force I almost lost my arm. The portaloo was a full circle and the door opened into itself, a full 180 degrees, exposing me in all my squatting glory to the hundreds of city shoppers walking up and down the street.
I froze in panic initially and just held the door handle staring into the faces of all the people walking down the street towards me. When my brain connected with the situation I desperately tried to pull the door closed but to no avail.
Kids were laughing; people were starting to crowd around and someone shouted, “you need to add another coin”.
“Mum, help, put another coin in”.
I have never been so mortified in my entire life, and believe me, I’ve had my fair share of embarrassing moments but this by far beat the lot.
Imagine the scene…
I’m squatting with my jeans down to my knees, my knees spread far enough apart to not allow them to fall and hit the floor. I have one hand holding onto the door handle and the other holding the wall. My face is as white as a bedsheet as I beg my mother to get a coin in the door to put me out of my misery.
Finally “Whoosh” the door closed and I slump to the toilet seat. My flesh is on the seat and I don’t care. How the hell do I compose myself and walk out of this loo like a proud woman?
I can still hear the applause and the laughter from the crowds outside. I want to crawl down this toilet and disappear.
“Come on darling we don’t have all day,” Mum calls from outside. Nan is still giggling, I can hear her trying to stifle it and I can hear Mum telling her to be quiet.
“It only gives you 10 minutes love then the door will open again so make sure your jeans are up this time,” said Nan desperately trying not to laugh.
I get myself together. Wash my hands, splash my face and prepare to open the door and face whatever is awaiting me outside.
I pull the handle and the door ‘whooshes’ open once again. My Mother and my Grandmother are a picture of ‘keep a straight face and don’t say a word’.
Only a few stragglers are hanging around to see if I come out or not. I grab tot’s pram and head away from the scene with my eyes to the floor, lest anyone recognises me as ‘the squatter woman’.
I can only pray that I am not going viral on YouTube as I write this diary entry.
P.S. After a visit to the Dr. I was diagnosed with Gastro Enteritis. If you ever get this, do not under any circumstances leave your home.
By Amanda Carrington ~ Desperate Housewife